Where did it go? Intimacy I mean.

Why must a loving couple lose their intimate connection? That is, their deep, emotional bond that nurtures each other and makes the relationship fulfilling and wonderful. Assuming a couple still loves each other and there are no clear signs of relationship breakdown, intimacy drifts away not because of confrontation or argument – but indifference, even habituation, a corrosive pattern of interacting and behaving.

When we have close intimate relations, we have two lovely hormones that make us feel great and bond us – dopamine and oxytocin. Dopamine is our pleasure hormone, from closeness, mutual joyfulness, and great sex. Oxytocin is our bonding hormone. In my eBook The Intimacy Roadmap, I suggest people hug, silently, warmly, for at least 7 seconds each day. I recently read some research from a well-published neuroscientist, and she says that 20 seconds is the optimal time for oxytocin to flood our two neural systems. 20 seconds – not much to make you feel good with each other.

You need to turn drift away to move toward; change indifference to joyful connection. But this requires both of you to be able to discuss intimacy together. Last week one of my patients complained that when she presents emotional thoughts or information to her partner, he simply receives it and never makes any comment. Some people, quite a few men included, have a condition called alexithymia. This is a difficulty in being able to identify or name emotional states. For those people trained to ‘take it on their chin’ and ‘real men don’t talk about that stuff’ discussing ‘emotional stuff’ can be frustrating.

This is not defensive behavior, nor is it avoidant behavior – rather, it is habituated behavior, and a pattern has been created. This pattern is not helpful in generating closeness and a strong intimate connection. You need to see the pattern and you need to break it. This is why I wrote this eBook on intimacy. If you want more from your relationship, take my Intimacy Quiz and check out The Intimacy Roadmap.